Remembering the Difference Between Chaos and Mystery

I wait and wait and battle feelings of strong anticipation as I want to hop on a plane right now and bring home our child. Unknowns can feel chaotic. This adoption journey is working itself out in my greater sanctifying life journey and I'm learning so many new lessons. Lessons about quietness, rest, trust, and peace. He has given me what I need to battle those "hurry-up" feelings.

While I want a tidy timeline, adoption events are entirely tentative. The Holy Spirit speaks to my heart though, reminding me that though I don't know how anything will work out, this is not a chaotic journey for me. It's a mystery that will be revealed in due time. In fact, all of life is like that really. Adoption is teaching me to rest in, believe, and obey His Spirit in the middle of the mystery. That is faith, I guess. I read this today on Desiring God Blog:

You Can Take Heart

Jesus does not want us to be governed by fear at such times. (times of uncertainty) He wants us governed by faith. The reason is that the uncertainty is only apparent uncertainty. Our future and our provision and our ultimate triumph are certain to God. He has all the foreknowledge, power, resources, and desire to turn everything for good for those who love him and are called by him (Romans 8:28).

Apparently uncertain seasons are usually the most powerful God-moments we experience. They often put God on display more than other seasons, demonstrating that God exists and rewards those who seek him (Hebrews 11:6).

So if you are in one of those seasons, take heart. You are likely experiencing what it means to have a God “who acts for those who wait for him” (Isaiah 64:4).

 



I think for one of the first times in my life, I've received the grace to wait (for the most part). Thank You, Lord, and I pray for the grace to continue.

 

 

Bethany Received Our Dossier

It's worth mentioning for the sake of his/her story, that Bethany received our dossier in the mail today. I was actually starting to get nervous because it was mailed Wednesday. Thank You, Lord. And the wait continues, but I trust Him.

Alabama State Seals: Check!! (Day in Montgomery and Weekend in Tallassee)

 

Friday I was able to get our birth certificates and marriage certificate State sealed in Montgomery. It was a beautiful day to spend downtown.

 

 

Nathan attended CE in Kansas City this year, so I stayed with my parents while he was out of town. My parents watched Joshua while I was in Montgomery. They took him to Dairy Queen. My grandmother (Mamaw) also joined them.

I'm anxious at this point to hear from Bethany. I so ready for it to be confirmed that these packages arrived safely!!!!!! This is our dossier!!!!!

 

Joshua and I spent our morning at the playground at my parents church. They have the cutest equipment, but as you can see, Joshua's favorite game was climbing in and out of this chair.
This expression currently is one of my favorites. It's his "I did it." expression. :)

Later that morning I got my teeth cleaned, and Joshua sat in my lap and played. Of course he was a BIG fan of the dentist (Papa)! ;) 

 

  Monday afternoon we left for the airport. Joshua HATES riding in the car, and cried almost the entire ride. We made it fine, though, and once he was in the airport he once again had a blast. Let me tell you something about this little guy: he loves adventure. He loves to see new places and enjoys meeting new people. We strolled around the airport and ate supper together. There's something about the airport that makes me want Atlanta Bread. Nathan's plane landed, so I let Joshua out of the stroller to wait for his daddy. This proved to be quite the workout for me, but it was worth it. Joshua was laughing and so excited. I pushed the stroller with one hand, and held his hand with the other. As long as we were moving fast he was happy. Holding my hand just for the sake of holding hands is a new thing for him anyway. He will come up to me at home and want to hold my hand and walk into another room even though he's walking (running) perfectly well on his own.

After the three of us reunited, we decided to hang out at the airport and let Joshua get some exercise before trying to take him home. The food court area practically was empty. We let him run and pretty much chased him around the open room. Nathan had a good conversation with an 18-year-old young man who was on his way to basic training. He had just joined the army. Before leaving the airport we all walked to the top of the parking deck so we could watch the planes landing and taking off (you can kind of see this) and watch the train. I don't have to tell you, Joshua was amazed. When I was a child, I remember getting to walk to the terminals even if you weren't flying and watch the planes pull up the building through the huge windows. I'm not complaining about good security, but it's of course not that open anymore.


These two were very excited to be together again. :)

Adoption Update: Big Day in Atlanta Plus an I-85 South Adventure

Today we got our Georgia documents State sealed!!!! That sentence wouldn't have meant a penny to me this time last year because I didn't know what a special moment in this adoption journey it is. We hope to get our three (marriage/birth certificates) State sealed in Montgomery Friday. Then the dossier goes in the mail!!!!!

What then? We wait again. How long before being matched with a child? Oh I wish I knew the answer to that. There is no telling at all, no guessing or anything.

But today, TODAY, the Lord moved a mountain and we accomplished FAR more than I could have imagined this time last week. Thank you Jesus!

When we discovered yesterday that today was going to be an adventure in Atlanta (Joshua's first actually), we looked over the map and created a detailed agenda (we had lots to do in a fairly small window of time). Tuesdays are Nathan's off day (I know...that is such a blessing isn't it?) so getting things done today was perfect.
We started off at the immigration office close to down town. I told Joshua what a special place it was going to be. I admit I expected a sort of miniature Ellis Island. It looked like a warehouse located somewhere between I-20 and 75 tucked between apartment complexes and convenient stores. BUT it was very clean and very well staffed and organized. The service was great and everyone we spoke to was friendly (even on this gray day). It may as well been a park with a playground for Joshua because he was entertained stepping up and down off of the curb, walking backwards on the tile, playing peek-a-boo with everyone in line, and picking up gravel. He met a little girl his age from El Salvador as well as another friend (19 months) from Guam. They laughed at one another.

Next stop was downtown. That's where the excitement began (particularly because I forgot cash). If you're adopting and about to go through the process of authenticating notaries, make sure and bring cash. So we're downtown, found a Wells Fargo, and it was no big deal (except, that we were running out of time as it was now late getting late into the afternoon).

Nathan dropped me off at Fulton County Courthouse and he and Joshua circled the block. Joshua, in theory, was having his nap time in the car. Nathan stayed in the car with Joshua, and I did the walking. I should say, I did the walking because I love to walk, AND I love downtown.

Again, everyone was super helpful and friendly and it took no time at all.

When I sit back and think about the Lord's blessing over today, I'm amazed. As we sang "Whom Shall I Fear" in church last Sunday, I petitioned to the Lord to make this happen this week. And here we go. Let me not forget to say "Thank You" to the One who sees and remembers. He has gone before us and stands behind and is watching over this child. I am confident of that.

So since we were in Atlanta, it was Joshua's first time in Atlanta, and we miraculously accomplished everything we set out to do, we went to The Varsity.

His first time at The Varsity was everything I hoped it would be. He ate all of his chicken and of course ice cream. He drank his water from a straw, spilled almost all of it on his shirt, and laughed a deep belly laugh over it. He was having fun. We all were enjoying ourselves. He waved to the blackbirds flying over the skyline and told them bye-bye. He particularly loved watching the 5:00 traffic shuffle through the downtown connector. Thousands of cars...and he loves cars!!! We loved every sticky minute of it.

We just knew he would crash the minute we put him in his car seat. Not so!! He was too excited. He laughed and talked and played patty-cake all the way through traffic, even when our tire blew out and we had to pull over in Atlanta!?!?!?

That's right we blew our front right tire. Thankfully, this happened when Nathan was in the car. Praise the Lord he was able to pull over and no one was harmed. (The tire was basically new. We don't know what happened). Now, of course Nathan knows how to change a flat...easy. However, we had to pull over on the left side of the interstate by the concrete wall. We were packed into that emergency lane very tightly and on a curve at that. He couldn't get out of the car, much less change the tire. So we called the police. I learned about something everyone in the Atlanta area needs to know...511. These guys are awesome! They came, blocked the lane, escorted us to the other side of the interstate, changed the tire (they had the awesome equipment) in like less than five minutes. At this point of the whole experience I figured I could cry about the fact that a car could easily hit us or I could take pictures. So the photo documenting you see below was my source of distraction. Joshua on the other hand thought the whole experience was amazing.


I feel that I should explain that we took off his shirt to take him home because it was soaked and sticky with ice cream. We did not however explain that to the policemen (and yes, I wonder what/if they thought about it ;) Joshua in this picture is saying "Whee--oo--whee--oo."

This car was two lanes away. Now that I think about it, I'm so glad it's totally blurry.

This is the view before the police and crew arrived. Joshua clapped and laughed as the cars raced past us just feet away from our door. He couldn't have been more excited if we were at the Georgia Aquarium.

 

 Now we are home safe, and Joshua is sleeping soundly in his cozy bed. Tonight is his fifth night without his paci. I thought maybe this time he wouldn't cry (see this post) because he would be sooo tired he'd just pass out. Well, he screamed again.

BUT
I am very encouraged because he only screamed for maybe a minute. And he didn't immediately fall asleep. I heard him in his crib about 10 minutes after I put him down laughing!!! I'm serious, he was laughing. I really wish I could have known about what!?!? So, at least he's getting better about the paci. Now he is asleep.

Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday Afternoon Shopping

Every now and then it just feels good to get out and do something (anything) as a family. We've had rain for the past week which has been much needed and nice. By Saturday afternoon, however, I was aching to get out and do something just the three of us. Joshua and I had been out together plenty, but we missed Nathan.

So when Nathan got home from work Saturday at lunch time, we decided to go shopping. We waited until after Joshua's nap then left for Locust Grove. It took us about 45 minutes to get there. Joshua was content during the ride right up until the last five minutes. Then he'd had enough and he let us know with no uncertain terms.

I can't exactly explain why, but this little shopping trip was energizing for me. Well, I do know why. I love shopping. And it's just fun to do stuff together. So, we stopped first at Horsetown. Western Outlets are fun because they usually have a toy section and baby clothes (I love to look at baby clothes...always have). The Tanger Outlets are LESS than a mile away from Horsetown, so of course this was our second stop. I got to look around in all of my favorite kid's stores: Oshkosh, Gymboree, Carters, Polo. I was very impressed with their prices. At least last Saturday, the prices were outlet prices for the most part.

We ate at Denny's. It was a much better restaurant experience than our last time eating out. I think this is because Joshua really likes breakfast foods, so he had plenty to eat. He just ate off of our plates (sausage, scrambled eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns, blueberry pancakes...who wouldn't like that?).


So when it's raining outside, and Nathan and I are together, there's nothing like letting Jman loose so he can get some exercise and explore.

 

 

Not Quite Over It

Tonight is Joshua's fourth night paci free and I feel like I can speak better as to how he's doing with this big (for him...and us) life change. Overall he's doing really well, except that he asks for his paci before time to get in bed. "Ba ba???" he says as he looks in his crib and around his room. Also, after posting triumphantly that he didn't cry the first night we put him to bed without it, he's cried every time we've put him to bed since. Every. time. It's so hard for me to see him go from a happy face to crying before bedtime, especially since he was so happy to go to bed this time last week with his paci.

I remain encouraged, though, because his crying doesn't last long at all, and he sleeps as hard as ever through the night. So we will all continue to endure about 10 minutes of displeasure in effort to break this habit. The other good news is that during the day he could care less.

If I had the past year to do over again, I wonder if I would have done anything differently. I'm not sure if I would. Developmentally, he changed at some point from using a paci as a means to satisfy his sucking reflex to actually speaking of his paci endearingly as though it were a teddy bear or something. I didn't help matters with telling him to say "bye bye" paci (hence the name "ba ba").

But the past is behind, and for now, I find comfort in thinking about how glad I will be in a couple of months for enduring the crying today. I mean, think how hard this would be if he were in a toddler bed and could get out of bed crying for his paci. Well, at least that's how I comfort myself. I can't stand him crying.

Hopefully one day soon he will look forward to getting into his cozy bed again.

No More Paci

So as it turned out, we talked to him last night. We told him that in two more days paci was going to be gone gone. Thankfully, he doesn't understand "two more days." He understands "gone gone." This morning I picked up his paci and told him that his paci was about to be gone gone:

"Soon your paci is going to be gone gone. You don't need it anymore. You're a big boy."

Of course he didn't understand. Usually after lunch he is sooo excited about nap time because it means "ba ba" (paci). True to the norm, he ran in his room after he finished his PB&J squealing "ba ba."

I didn't have the heart to give it to him as if nothing was up. I knew that goodbyes were lurking around the corner, so I ended it. I picked him up. I picked up his paci and carried both of them into the kitchen.

"You know Joshua, you don't need ba ba anymore because you're such a big boy. Mommy loves you soooo much. Yay! You're going to take a nap like a big boy. Paci is gone gone."

Then I carried him into his room, went through our nap routine (as he whined), and said the little poem "Here's my little Joshua. Put Joshua to bed. Cover him with blankets, and kiss his little head. Good night, Joshua."

He screamed for 10 minutes, while I cried in the kitchen. Then it stopped. No more crying. He went to sleep! He took a great nap. He sat in my lap while he woke up and pointed to the kitchen (the paci's were in Nathan's office at that point). I have a feeling he was pointing towards where he thought the paci's were.

This evening he was his chipper self during our bedtime routine, but he did ask for his paci. Nathan gave him a little present and told him, "Now paci is gone gone. We got you this present to celebrate that you don't need a paci anymore."

He liked the present ;)

Then he made several trips to his bed to see if his paci was in there (which he's done since he could walk). We acted like we didn't notice. We put him to bed. No tears!!!!!

Praise the LORD!!!!

Talk #1: Preparing to Say Goodbye to His Paci

Tonight we told Joshua that in two more days paci will be gone gone. No more paci. He said, "Ba Ba...uhhhh!!! Translation: Paci. Don't talk about my paci. Don't say such things. (At least that's what I understood.)

We have this going for us: normally he doesn't get his paci until lights are out and he is in his crib. Otherwise, he usually doesn't mentions "ba ba" unless he finds one around the house that I failed to put away. He's as happy as can be without it. So maybe, just maybe, he will be minimally upset about his first night (and nap) without it.

I won't have such a hard time if he asks for it and I just say "Paci is gone gone." I'm going to have a hard time if he cries for it. But as mentioned in the previous post, we think it's the right thing to do. We really do.

Parting with the Paci: Didn't Expect It To Be Hard...For Me

We've talked about and made our decision. Tomorrow night will be his last night with his paci. I do not think everyone should take it away at 13 months. Or at 3 months. Or at 2 years. I mean I honestly don't believe there are any rules for pacifiers. Ours has been a good friend (to all of us)! We hate to see it go. Honestly, is there anything cuter than looking at little toddler faces with paci's? Maybe that's just me, but I love it.

Yeah, there is the possibility that he could take up sucking his thumb. I guess if he did that we'd have to think of a plan to help him overcome the habit. (Or give his paci back...I mean worse things could happen ;) .

We planned to wean him from "bye-bye" (paci) somewhere between 18-24 months, but then we began thinking about the possible reality of that season:

• He'll be eighteen months during the Christmas season (probably NOT a good time for significant life change if we can help it)
• We're in the process of adopting. While EVERYTHING is tentative about the adoption timeline, there is a slight chance that we'll be welcoming home our child next spring or summer (again, probably NOT a good time to take away paci).

But now, at 13 months, we seem to be in a very calm, uneventful season. I'm at home with just him. We have a routine that we follow pretty consistently (aside from an occasional restaurant adventure), and losing the paci would be the only change in his life. So as we see it, now is our window of opportunity to break the habit without totally turning his world upside down.

Before motherhood, I figured I'd never give my child a paci to avoid this difficult departure. But you know, when I figured out one week into parenting that paci=sleep, I bought a bag full and thanked Jesus (I say that with no sarcasm). And I've been smitten with Jman's little paci-face ever since.

It hurts to take it away from him even though it's what we're supposed to do. Who knows? He may just be ready and hardly care (though I doubt it because he asks for it at bedtime...when we normally give it to him). Or it may be hard. And that possibility hurts my heart. Whether its the paci or something else (and there will be many "something else's"), growing up is hard sometimes, and that brings this mommy to my knees because Jesus can handle what's hard to us.

We're going to talk to him about it tonight and tomorrow night (though he probably won't understand...at all). Nathan bought him a present today and is going to give it to him Friday. He probably still won't understand (at all) but even his lack of understanding is a bittersweet part of growing up. The Father loves His children. He works in ways we don't understand, but He is good. He (in the most perfect/holy way) works for the good of His children and lavishes them with all good things. Good guidance. Good sifting. Good discipline. Goodbyes, sometimes. And most of the time, I don't understand...at all. That's where trust comes in. I pray our precious son will trust Him with all his heart some day.

Let's Make It a Date

Nathan works weekend relief shifts for the animal emergency clinic on the south side every now and then. A few months ago he decided to only take Saturday shifts if possible so that he has Sunday afternoons with us. While Sunday shifts don't interfere with church, it takes away special time at home. That said, sometimes they get into a bind and need someone, and this weekend is one of those sometimes. We're REALLY not complaining. Really! What a good way to make supplemental income.

I love staying at home! I mean it. I absolutely love it. But on weekends when Nathan works, I confess I tend to get stir crazy for several reasons. It's just Joshua and me at home for 48 hours without any interaction with the world around us. Most people are spending time with their families so it's not a good time to get together with other moms. So yesterday, when we discussed Nathan taking the shifts I confess I was mentally preparing myself for Saturday to be a long day. Then I realized how wasteful my attitude was.

I realized I have the opportunity to hang out with one of the most special people in my life and a host of activities that we could do together. So this morning I packed a snack and water bottle and little guy and I headed to Ashley Park (Outdoor Shopping Mall).

It's the hottest time of year, so playing outdoors all day was out of the question, but a morning in the toddler section of Monkey Joe's...perfect!

 

 

 

 

$6.00...not bad for something fun to do.

 

 

They have toddler games and toddler jumpies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did take him down a big slide once.

 

 

We found out we could meet Nathan for lunch during his break, so we hung out at Barnes & Noble until time to eat. We were just in time for a story and some "Wheels on the Bus."

 

 

Eating with Daddy...sharing a milkshake...

 

 

Hopefully he'll take a good nap, now and I can hang out with this little girl on the sofa.