The Wait is Slow and We've So Far to Go

Nathan and I take turns each week with going to church with Joshua and staying home with Daniel. I went to church this morning. We order Mexican take-out every Sunday and sit down to a feast after church. I love Mexican food. Joshua does too:

Joshua: Dis sauce is picy...it is alsa. Josh-u hungee. Josh-u want more oc-u-ow-wee and tips. (He always speaks of himself in 2nd or 3rd person.)

I came home to a smiley little boy who reached out to give me a hug. I've noticed him snuggle us more and more.

He has taken baby steps three days in a row! He'll take two, sometimes three, steps and then fall into Nathan or me. It's awesome! He's walking barefoot on the grass, but is still terrified of putting his hands and knees in the grass. But walking barefoot through it is big progress. We're trying to teach him sign language for more and all done because right now his way of communicating with us these to needs is through screeching screaming. He will mimic our hand motions but doesn't use the signs in context yet. We can tell his face is rounder and he's still gaining weight.

The boys are sharing a room and have since we came home. Nathan and I were just saying how well they are doing with this (especially since Joshua is in a toddler bed) and we were saying how this is nothing but God's mercy and kindness over us. He has protected our time in the evening and thus protected our sanity.

I'm hoping this week at some point I can take the boys outside and have a little photo shoot. Then I can update this blog with good pictures of both boys.

My perfectionism is rearing it's head again with mothering. I want happy children all day long, but the reality is I have two toddlers and toddlers have meltdowns. And mine have plenty throughout the day. Screaming is something that sends my blood pressure up and I have to remind myself to breathe. Last week I spent several mornings on the phone making doctors appointments. I learned a new discipline of carrying on a conversation with screaming toddlers in the background.

July 19th we celebrating one month since Daniel's gotcha day. Daniel means, "the Lord is my judge." I've thought about that so many times over the last week as in my quest to know him I've been tempted to define him. It's a prideful part of motherhood, I think, where I want to say "let me tell you all about my child...I know all about them." The Lord knows both our sons in ways I never will but especially our Daniel. I am grateful Daniel is teaching me to trust the One who knows us and judges rightly.

There are so many questions. Especially when he is upset. Is this crying grieving? Is it a toddler tantrum? Does his tummy hurt? Does his mouth hurt? Is this an angry cry? Only the Lord knows. And sometimes there are the more selfish questions. How long is he going to cry? I mean he cried for 10 hours on the flight home from Tokyo to Atlanta so it can happen. I want to control the situation. I want to fix it. I want a peaceful quiet home. Not that I haven't asked some of those questions about Joshua, but for one thing he can talk now.

The sermon this morning was about setting our minds on the things of the Lord. A good part of that sermon was about surrendering our desire to control. Fear leads me to want to be in control. Faith gives me strength to surrender to God's will and attempt to do big things without knowing how it will happen.

Sometimes it's mind-boggling trying to figure out how to meet our children's needs: physical, emotional, spiritual (discipleship), educational, medical...the list goes on. I feel like God spoke to me Friday as I was trying figure out how we were going to accomplish all that we believe should be accomplished over the next year.

Friday I'd spent the morning feeling frustrated and anxious. Joshua is a two-year-old with a need for lots of hugs and lots of discipline. Daniel is like a six-month old, 11 month old and 2 year old all wrapped into one. Sometimes their needs can feel overwhelming.

It's been very dry for the past couple of weeks so I've been watering our yard regularly. The other day once the boys were down for their nap, I went outside to turn on our soaker hoses.  I sensed the Lord telling me not to turn on the hoses. I knew He was telling me that if I would just wait He was sending rain. But I pushed that out of my head reasoning that it wasn't raining in the moment so I should go ahead and water just in case.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with watering my yard. I'll do it again as soon as it needs it. But I felt the Holy Spirit's guidance, reasoned against it, and made my own provisions "just in case." And so goes my mothering over the past couple of days.

I watered the yard successfully (thoroughly). Then came a ground-soaking rain that lasted all night into Saturday. Saturday when I woke up and walked outside to see all of the plants refreshed and grass green healthy in the pasture and I felt like God was telling me He was going to do the same in our children's life. It was a lesson in listening to His voice. He'll tell me what to do if I'll just listen and trust what I hear. I do my job in abiding in Him and listening to His voice, He'll do His part by abundantly supplying all that we need. He'll supply for them abundantly. It's going to be Him, not me. When I try to control my children's life, when I try to live on worrying, when I parent through frustration, when I give in to anxiety my children might survive it but they won't thrive in this home. And that is what I want is for them to thrive and have faith to fulfill their God-given purpose in this life.

My favorite song through this season is Sara Groves "Eyes on the Prize." I want to go to church as a family of four again. I want both boys to roll in the grass and enjoy getting dirty (because I love being outside so much). I want Daniel to happily receive a hug from Joshua. But God will be faithful to give them all that they need. I have to wait for him.

I'm going to share this song because it's meant so much to me since we began praying over this child just before he was conceived. There are so many statements I sing over him. We named him Charles after my dad. It means "free man." Yes Lord! So I'm going to share the words and a link because I rejoice over these declarations. "Ain't no man on earth control the weight of glory on a human soul."

"Eyes on the Prize" -Sara Groves
Paul and Silas bound in jail
Got no money for to go their bail
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

Paul and Silas thought they'd lost
The dungeon shook and the chains fell off
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

Freedom's name is mighty sweet
And one day soon we are gonna meet
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

I got my hand on the gospel plow
Won't take nothing for my journey now
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

The wait is slow, and we've so far to go
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

The wait is slow, and we've so far to go
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

Only chain a man can stand
Is that chain of hand on hand
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

Ain't no man on earth control
The weight of glory on a human soul.
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on.

The wait is slow, and we've so far to go
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on

The wait is slow, and we've so far to go
Keep your eyes on the prize [x3]

When you see a man walk free,
It makes you dream of jubilee.

When you see a child walk free,
It makes you dream of jubilee.

When you see a family free,
It makes you dream of jubilee.

Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on.