Truth Be Told

Right now I've pulled about five books off of my shelf that I'm looking forward to reading. I'm trying to patiently get through each one with out skipping back and forth, but I admit that I've read the first chapter of three of the books. Today my selection is Continuous Revival by Norman Grubb. The small 55 page book was given to us about five years ago.  Grubb explains how continuous revival comes through walking in the Spirit (concerning ourselves with moment-by-moment surrender to God), brokenness (which he describes as "the proud, self-justifying, self-reliant, self-seeking, self has come simply as a lost, undone sinner, whose only hope is a justifying Savior" p15). We are cleansed by the blood that Jesus shed as we repent and surrender to Him.  Now I'm in the chapter called "Conviction, Confession, and Cleansing."

Allow me to quote this excert because as Nathan and I search for "direction," I'm becoming more and more aware of how I sometimes walk around the truth. I don't always look at myself plainly...because it hurts:
Sin is a revelation. It is God who graciously shows us sin, even as it is He who shows us the precious blood. Sin is only seen to be SIN-against God-when He reveals it; otherwise sin may just be known as a wrong against a brother, or an antisocial act, or an inconvenience, or a disability, or some such thing. Indeed that is often the extent of the message of a "social gospel"---to be rid of sin as a hindrance to brotherhood, as an inconvenience to human progress, not as coming short of the glory of God. GOD shows us sin. We do not keep looking inside ourselves. This is not a life of introspection or morbid self-examination. We do not walk with sin, we walk with Jesus; but, as we walk in childlike faith and fellowship with Him step by step, moment by moment, then if the cups cease to run over, He who is light, with whom we are walking, will clearly show us what the sin is which is hindering--what its real name is in His sight, rather than the pseudonym, the excusing title, which we might find it more convenient to call it......As we walk in light, we recognize and confess our sins; the blood cleanses; the Spirit witnesses; and the cups run over again!

I've begun (once again...and again...and again) to ask God to reveal to me my false perceptions...what lies have I told myself because I can't bear to look at my sin? How have I run from He who is Light (and so much more)? I'm working through my theology in so many aspects and know full well that I will NEVER understand God. Instead of reading straight through the Bible, right now I'm reading Genesis through 2 Kings and inserting the books of Chronicles, poetry, wisdom, and Prophets as they fit within in the Narrative. Very rich! What God saysHe will do, He does. He said He would split the Kingdom because of Solomon's idolatry, and He did. He said He would give the Northern Kingdom to Jeroboam, and He did. But Jeroboam's statement in 1 Kings 12 strikes me very very personally:

He begins to worry about losing "his control" (ha ha...God placed him in leadership in the previous two chapters)
Then Jeroboam built Shechem  in the hill country of Ephraim, and lived there. And he went out from there and built Penuel. Jeroboam said in his heart, "Now the kingdom will return to the house of David. If this people go up to offer sacrifices in the house of the LORD at Jerusalem, then the heart of this people will return to their lord, even to Rehoboam king of Judah; and they will kill me and return to Rehoboam king of Judah." So the king consulted, and made two golden calves, and he said to them, "It is too much for you to go up to Jerusalem; behold your gods, O Israel, that brought you up from the land of Egypt.

What does Grubb's book and Jeroboam's folly have in common with me? Just this:

Grubb is teaching from Scripture that our discipleship in Christ is a moment by moment journey of trust and surrender to His leading. WE DO NOT KNOW THE FUTURE. I don't believe I should be foolish and not be responsible enough to plan...BUT there is a BIG difference between "planning" and "attempting to control." When my plans shift from being a good steward of time, relationships, and resources to attempting to manipulate my situation...then I'm in danger of Jeroboam's sin. Jeroboam resolved to do anything to save face (literally and figuratively) to the point of making up a complete lie and probably...probably believing it himself.

So I'm asking God to shed light on my intentions (again). Scary isn't it? But here goes...I have nothing to lose in surrendering to His light but my pride...but I lose everything in believing lies.