"Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things." Ecclesiastes 10:5
I've been a terrible blogger thus far...very sporadic in my postings and quite private really. Today is different, however. Today I'm going to share my life. Today I'm not doing what I thought I'd be doing a month ago. Today I'm far from where I thought I'd be four years ago. Heavens...when I really think about it, 10 years ago I did not even know my husband and 90% of the people with whom I converse on a daily basis! Crazy isn't it...how life changes? Crazier still how I think arrogantly that I can plan my life (as if it's really mine and not my Creator's...created for His glory and His purpose)!
I love to plan, daydream, idealize (love is a strong word and I use it intentionally). I really love to pretend I control my life. It's a sickness that's been diagnosed called Sin. No I don't mean that planning, daydreaming, and idealizing is sinful. I mean that falsely believing that I control turning my dreams into reality is sinful. What's happened in the last month has caused me to see that sometimes, just like the wind, His Spirit sends us in one direction and then changes direction. Right now I feel like I'm spinning. I'm confused, but HE IS NOT. I'm not spinning at random. I'm in His grip. But I'm really praying for clear "direction." Okay, do you want to know what's been going on?
Before I share my conflict, let me testify to God's clear leading in my past. I'll start with leaving sweet home Alabama. I sat under Steve Scoggins' teaching for 7 years (from 18-25 years old). Nathan and I never ever questioned if we were supposed to be at our church. It was our home. Really when I look back I've learned that true relationships are God's working. He brought us into strong relationships, strong Bible teaching. We had clear direction, and I praise Him for it.
God alone brought me to seminary. He placed the desire in my heart to be trained in Bible study and sharpened in mininstry. He gave me clear direction and graciously allowed me to finish the master's degree in the precious Biblical languages.
God moved us to Georgia. I've doubted that at times, but when I look back at my prayer journal I know that He brought us to Georgia. I can't say enough about the blessing of Nathan's job. I can't say enough...but I will some...He works for a God-fearing, faith-filled, honest, fair, merciful, kind Christian man, Dr. Bagget. He also works with Dr. Rickard, a fifty-something Spirit-filled wise man...a father-ish type mentor. Honestly, he's the kind of person that when Nathan and I are discussing something...I find myself asking him "What does Dr. Rickard say about it?" He also has a great working relationship with everyone else at the clinic. We love Braelinn Animal Hospital. And the Kirby's...God bless the Kirby's! Hugh and Mary Lynn! They opened their home immediately. Goodness I could go on and on about the people who have loved us for the past three years. My goal is not to bore you. I just can't share a struggle without sharing praises also!
But the past three years have not been the clean-cut path we had back in Alabama. I've not attended the same church, worked the same job, and lived by a neat schedule. I've studied late (I'm a morning person), carried up to four part time jobs, faught fetige that I think caused the strange heart palpitations. Nathan and I have learned big lessons (some of them through our sin and mistakes, some through other's sin and mistakes, some through triumphs by the grace of God). I've felt the the effects of irreversible time. Two years ago in the midst of all the changes (some of which I'm not going to share), I did what I do best...evaluated my life, evaluated my situation, and came to the logical conclusion that I should pursue a PhD. Then I concluded that yes God was leading me to pursue a doctorate for several reasons. First, I dream of seeing church families more passionate about God than SEC football (don't get me wrong...I'm a AU girl...I'm thrilled when the Tigers win...but really there's a time and place...moderation, fellow Southerners, moderation). Secondly, I want to see God's people love God's Word. Thirdly, I enjoy studying and writing. Fourthly, I felt led and saw a need for Biblical strengthening in family and children's ministry. Fifthly, (to be completely transparent) well...no I just can't be right now...maybe later.
Here's the deal. God COMPLETELY opened the doors! By this cliche I mean that I looked at the leveling work....all the classes I needed were offered before I was scheduled to graduate with my masters. God MIRACULOUSLY enabled me to score high enough on the GRE. Deadline after deadline He ushered me through with "clear" guidance. My beloved professors encouraged me because there is great need for further study in the area of family and children's ministry, and I'm young and have a lot to give.
I felt needed...purposeful...clearly directed...
I went through an interview process and one of the professors encouraged me greatly. Ahhh...stability.
Then I was accepted. God provided tuition. I ordered my books. I registered for my classes.
BUT
All the while I kept sensing something...Am I pursuing a doctorate because I think that the seminary is my stability? Am I afraid of pursuing relationships? Am I pursuing a doctorate because I think I can succeed at school...I failed in relationships...at least I'll have somthing to show for my life...all things considered I haven't succeeded in very much other than my academic pursuits...but I haven't really tried much else either. Then I pushed those thoughts out of my head...thoughts can be hard to discern you know..especially since opinions abound in variety. No, God has opened the door. I'll have new opportunity and He will do so much through this...I can be an advocate for the cause of children. So I began to plead with God to close the opportunity for me somehow if that is what He wanted. I didn't want to make the decision.
Then two days before class was supposed to began I recieved a syllabus from one of my professors. I need to explain that I always felt a rush of exileration when I looked at syllabi for the first time in the past. I value learning. I love to sit in solitude a read a book...write a paper. This time the four page feather-lite syllabus felt like a boulder.
At the time I was reading through Psalms...Of course as He would have it the next Psalm was 73. Here is an excert from my journal that day:
-A doctorate will not validate my worth.
If I give up the doctorate...I'll be tempted by other thoughts...
-Beauty will not validate my worth.
-Marriage will not validate my worth.
-Children will not validate my worth.
-Friends will not validate my worth.
-Family will not validate my worth.
-A career will not validate my worth.
-MINISTRY will not validate my worth.
Psalm 73:25
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
So here I am. No more school. No church home right now. No idea where God is taking me.
I just want to be obedient...to love God with all my being and love my neigbor as myself. I'm praying He'll give us community and a love for people like I've never had. A love that says:
"I love people...not their acceptance of me." Because the later has been my downfall in years past. I no longer want to conform...I don't know if that makes sense.
He is faithful as ALWAYS to speak to me through His Word. I'm in Ecclesiastes now. So timely right? In the midst of changing winds...Solomon warns over and over and over....that we can waste our life chasing the wind. There is so much I don't know...we honestly don't know of which church family to join. So so much I want to see happen in my lifetime....
But I will declare publically today that I believe in our Soveriegn and Good God. He determines what is good and purposeful in my life. May I surrender afresh to Him today...draw near to Him...and cease striving after wind.
I want to be a better blogger and update better. Please pray for His wisdom over us. Blessings.
awww...I loved this post, Katherine, and getting a glimpse into how God is working in your life. As you know, from our college years, I also so struggle with wanting to be in control of my own life, and I too have learned so much over the past years that I am so not in control and there is such freedom in surrendering to God's will--freedom and pain;) I can't wait to visit and catch up with you, dear friend.
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