Why I need Easter.

Today I'm blessed with a quiet day at home doing laundry and reading. I'm pretty sure that this season of quietness is easing towards the end. I really wonder what life will be like a year from now. Joshua is growing healthily...and my due date is twelve weeks away. I had an appointment yesterday at the doctor's office which is located in the hospital (on the same floor) where I plan to deliver.

As I was walking towards the elevator I saw a family in the waiting area anticipating meeting the latest addition to the clan.

Somehow (I think, I guess because they were cheering when they heard the cries) they had a monitor and could hear the baby's first moments of crying. That sound moved me to tears...which really caught me off guard. I can usually anticipate things that will make me cry...a baby's first cry has never brought me to tears before.

I walked through Kroger (still woozy and faint from the Glucose test) and stopped to look at every baby balloon, book, and stuffed animal.

I felt an urge to hold my baby...which was uniquely a first. It's not that I haven't anticipated being a parent. It's not that I don't love to hold small children, but to be honest...my fears have stifled my anticipation lately.

I want so badly for his life to be good. I want our home to be a happy place. I want him to have confidence. I want him to accomplish what he sets out to do. I want him to cherish exploration and learning. I want him to have truly close friends. I want to give him good gifts. I want him to have exciting Christmas', birthdays, and triumphs. I try to tell myself if I do my best, his life will be good and he will have those things. I buy into this lie that I can be the author and editor of his life.

But the Bible explains the reality that I already know in my heart. When I look into the mirror I see practically 30 years worth of the real me...I'm a sinner. No amount of accomplishments, accolades, charitable service, good works, or cleaning my house will cover the sin that taints my soul. And this is a fallen world...a world that awaits for Christ's return...a world full of sinners and full of the consequences of sin...pain, suffering, disappointment, hurt feelings, broken relationships, and broken dreams.

To quote Paul:

"There is none righteous, not even one; there is none who understands, there is none who seeks for God; All have turned aside, together they have become useless; there is none who does good, there is not even one." -Romans 3:11-12

"For the creation was subjected to futility, now willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves grown within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body." -Romans 8:20-23
And this redeemed sinner (who tends to forget she's a sinner saved by God's grace and tries to wear a mask of perfection) is chosen to be a mommy to a son.

I'd like to tell God "Oh thanks, thanks for my new role. I'm not going to mess up. I'm not going to be harsh. I'm not going to lazy. I'm not going to be selfish. You'll see God, I'm going to give this all I've got. My character, my consistency will be as solid as a rock" Yeah right! A rock...just like Peter when he denied Christ three times.(Thank God for Peter!!!!! I'm so much like Peter...Jesus' love for him gives me hope!) Then I look in the mirror and face the reality that my efforts have never worked before...and they won't work in the future. The same old quote that came out of my mouth about 25 years ago when I first understood my need for Jesus is uttered from my mouth over and over when it comes to being a mommy..."I just can't be good enough!" I said it to my mother in our station wagon on the way home from school when I was in Kindergarten.

I've said it to Jesus about ten times in the past day. I'm not saying that I'm not going to give parenting all I've got. What I'm saying is this:

I NEED JESUS!
I NEED MAUNDY THURSDAY...HIS SERVANT LEADERSHIP...HIS PASSOVER TO WASH ME!
I NEED GETHSEMANE AND HIS PRAYERS OVER ME!
I NEED HIS CROSS...I NEED HIS SACRIFICE FOR MY LIFE!
I NEED HIS RESURRECTION...THE CONQUERING OF MY INEVITABLE DEATH!
I NEED HIS LOVE!

I'm in tears again...unanticipated tears...He really does love me...with an UNEARNED love that will not fade away. And HE has called me to be a mommy. He knows I'll mess up...worse than Peter. He knows that Joshua will go through hard times. He knows that his sinful parents will at some point wound his soul. He knows my sinful tendencies (when I'm stuck doing what I don't want to do...Romans 7) will rub off on him. He just knows. And He's not afraid. The Creator is not afraid of His creation. And His infinite knowledge knows every day of Joshua's life...He's planned them from before the beginning of time.

So I can step down from pretending to be God (pretending some days that I can be perfectly in control and despairing some days because I have no control).
" As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:1-10 

Thank You, Lord, for a moment to once again embrace the truth that I'm a sinner...but You...as our merciful Creator and Redeemer, sacrificed Your life for mine just because You have chosen to love me. Thank You that I don't have to earn because I know that I can't.

I need Easter! May every milestone in my life...my first day of school, my highschool graduation, moving away from home, my wedding day, and becoming a mommy bring me to the feet of Jesus. Jesus' life, death, and resurrection is my hope. Joshua needs Jesus! He is Joshua's hope. I guess I should remember that the name, Joshua, means "The Lord is my salvation" and not "my mom and dad's awesome parenting is my salvation."

And so I can rest not in my abilities but in God's soverienty. I can rest with joyful anticipation of holding my baby and let go of fear. I can savor life and the season I'm in knowing that God holds the past, present, and future and will never let go of me. And the Lord is your salvation. We all need Jesus, and He offers His mercy and grace to You today!  

Praise the Lord Jesus! Happy Easter!

Easter Songs for Worshipping Jesus:
How Beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL7nR-BWzO4&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fresults%3Fsearch_query%3Dhow%2Bbeautiful%26oq%3Dhow%2Bbeautiful%26aq%3Df%26aqi%3D%26aql%3D%26gs_nf%3D1%26gs_l%3Dyoutube-psuggest-reduced.3...1778663.1780481.0.1780676.13.8.0.0.0.0.0.0..0.0.&has_verified=1

Wonderful Merciful Savior
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiVvHxgHL5Q&feature=related

Photographs of our hospital and some of the other images in this post are selected from Google Images.